Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
