He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
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