There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
50% drunk capacity currently
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
