I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
