The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
