I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
