So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
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