I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
