i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
