I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
