she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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