plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
