if i can run in heels then i can drive
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
