she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
