please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
