Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize