It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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