So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I can't put those talents on a resume
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
