Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
