I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
