When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
