i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
