Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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