i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize