after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
