for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
