i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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