took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
