I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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