I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
there is puke in my bra ... again
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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