2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
