I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
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