So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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