Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
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