matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
school has made you so classy.
that's mcgill. producing sluts since 1884.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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