i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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