I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Do vagina's smell?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
