I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
my phone needs a breathalizer
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
