I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
