so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
