To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
