i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
