I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
