someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Randomize
