i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
