I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Randomize
