I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
