he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize