is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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