i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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