2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
