On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
