Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
