it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Randomize
