it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize