Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
