Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
