12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
