I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
