Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
