What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
