She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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