youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize