someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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