We got so high we made milksteak
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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