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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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