Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
